Losing my inner feeling.

I find myself losing that inner feeling of loss or grief. When a human being passing has away. 

I was 19 years old when sister died of Cystic Fibrosis. I can still remember her face. The stillness of her body. A part of me was relief that all her suffering is over. 

Our whole family was deeply affected by her passing. My sister friends our relatives, neighbors, all the people from the church. They gathered around us at our time of grief. It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to face. 

After 40 years of living life without her. Memories of her life flutter in my memory at certain times. Then the grief in the tears come back to me.. 

When my parents passed away. It was a different type of grief, a different type of loss. It was a loss of my childhood.. a loss of the two people that started at my story in life. I found it very hard that they weren’t there anymore to tell me about my past life memories. 

Recently in my job at a Nursing Home. I see death every day.  Residence died from so many different diseases. I don’t feel the grief or shed a tear. It’s like it’s a normal occurrence.. and every day thing. So I don’t feel the loss..

Honestly, it feels like I am a stone hearted person. I don’t have the feelings anymore.. I’ve been working at a Nursing Home for 30 years. Before when a resident pass away. I would grieve, shed a tear. But now I don’t feel that anymore.. it’s like I’m not human anymore. 

I often wonder when I’m going to get those feelings back. I guess only time will tell….